Five years ago, the word ‘consent’ was not used as liberally in conversations and debates as it is today, so one would assume that we’ve made some progress on understanding what that means. Newsflash: we’re wrong, and we should hold worldwide seminars on consent ASAP.
On January 13, the website babe published an article written by Katie Way, where 23-year-old Grace (not her real name) accuses actor and comedian Aziz Ansari of sexual assault. While a lot of people have been supportive of Grace, there are many who cannot figure out why Aziz’s life is “being ruined” over a bad sexual encounter.
To recap, Grace met Aziz last year at the Emmys, they went on a date and then went to his home. There, Aziz started kissing her and asked her where she’d want to have sex with him. When he said he was going to get a condom, she told him to “relax for a sec, let’s chill.” She said she gave him several non-verbal cues, which he either didn’t pick up or chose to ignore. When she told him she’d have sex with him “next time“, he asked if that meant a second date. Later, after he asked her to sleep with him again, she said she “wasn’t ready“. He kissed her repeatedly and aggressively even after she said all this and, eventually, she left his apartment in tears.
She later sent him a text explaining how she felt, and he apologised. In a statement yesterday, he said, “It was true that everything did seem okay to me, so when I heard that it was not the case for her, I was surprised and concerned. I took her words to heart and responded privately after taking the time to process what she had said.”
As is par for the course these days, after reading the story, the internet is abuzz with all sorts of opinions, and most of them are extremely worrisome. There are debates over whether what Aziz did was illegal, why Grace did not leave sooner, and the most concerning of all, why Grace’s story is being discussed under the purview of the #MeToo movement. The Atlantic published a severely tone-deaf piece about how Grace and Katie humiliated Ansari over an uncomfortable sexual encounter.
What this illustrates so perfectly is the lack of understanding around consent, verbal or otherwise, implied or otherwise. I spent most of this afternoon arguing with someone on Twitter, because he said that “not today” and “not ready” meant she was willing but shy. This gentleman believed that horny straight men are unable to think clearly and will only understand a clear, unambiguous no. I’d like to give horny straight men a little more credit, because otherwise, I’d go insane.
Besides, Ansari has always marketed himself as an ally, a feminist, a woke bro who took pride in telling men how to behave appropriately with women. Why should we give him the benefit of the doubt that he couldn’t understand how uncomfortable Grace was in his home? Did horniness temporarily make him unable to function?
Many people could also not understand why Grace didn’t leave sooner. But isn’t that obvious? She didn’t leave because he kept making her feel like he’d stop. And he was someone she admired, someone who has done stand-up specials on feminism, who has, for crying out loud, written a book called Modern Romance. How was she to know that he wouldn’t know how to behave appropriately on a date? And why are we even debating that? Why aren’t we questioning why Ansari didn’t back off when she so clearly wasn’t interested in sleeping with him that night? Why are we so worried about his ruined reputation when he still hasn’t faced any real consequences about his actions so far?
The reactions to the Ansari case are far more divisive than those about Harvey Weinstein. In that case, it was clear that Weinstein was a monster who called young, vulnerable women to his hotel room and asked them to watch him take a shower. No one could claim that was not wrong in any way, shape, or form. But for Ansari, they want demarcations. They want to say that what he did was “odious but not criminal”. Suddenly their position is that something is sexual assault only if it’s criminal or illegal. And, yes, legality matters, but why is that your primary concern? Grace is not suing Ansari anyway. Marital rape is not illegal either, so are we going to argue that that’s also just odious behaviour?
A woman was violated, she was coerced into various sexual acts, her non-verbal, and eventual verbal, cues ignored. This happened when she went on a date. Isn’t that a likelier scenario for an average young woman than encountering a Weinstein-like monster? Shouldn’t our concern be with making it a safer world for these women, rather than dismissing Grace’s account from the #MeToo conversation because it doesn’t match the imagined hierarchy of sexual assault in someone’s head?
What happened to Grace was not “bad sex”. Ansari is not blameless just because they did not end up having intercourse. Do not blame the victim. The aftermath of this story is the very definition of rape culture. In 2018, we have to do better than that.
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